I Say It With The Radio Up

There is a stretch of road between the second cattle grid and the top of the hill where the station goes to static and comes back, and that is where he says it.

Windows up. Volume at about twenty-two, which is louder than he would ever have it with anybody in the truck, and the engine working on the climb, and the tires on that surface making the noise they make.

And in the middle of all of it, out loud, in his own voice, he says the thing.

He has done this for about four years. Not every time. Perhaps twice a month, and always on that stretch, and always with the volume where it is.

He is forty-two.

And here is what he has worked out, alone, without anybody helping him, which is more than most people manage about themselves: the volume is not there so that nobody hears him. There is nobody within nine miles of that hill.

The volume is there so that he does not hear himself properly.

Because at twenty-two, with the engine and the tires, what he gets is the shape of it. He knows he said it. He felt his mouth do it. But it does not arrive back at his own ears clean, and something in him has arranged that very carefully, and he has never had a good explanation for why.

He tried it once with the radio off. Two years ago. Same stretch, same hill, and he got about four words in and reached over and turned it on, and he has not tried again since.

What you are protecting yourself from

I want to start with the thing you already worked out, because it is the whole of the diagnosis and you did it on your own on a hill.

The volume is not hiding you from anybody. There is nobody there.

It is hiding you from your own ears, and that is a very specific arrangement, and a man does not build one of those for no reason.

So let me offer what I think the reason is, and you can weigh it, because you are the only one who actually knows.

I think you are protecting yourself from hearing it land badly.

A sentence like that, said clean, in a quiet cab, arrives back at the speaker. And there is a half second in which the man who said it gets to hear what it sounded like, and if there is any part of him that suspects he has no business saying it, that half second is where the suspicion gets its evidence.

At volume twenty-two there is no half second. You get the shape and you do not get the verdict.

Now here is what God has already said about the words that come out of your mouth.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.Psalm 19:14

Look at what David is asking for and, more importantly, who he is asking.

Acceptable in thy sight. He is not asking whether it sounded all right. He is not asking the cab. He takes the whole question of whether his words are any good and hands it directly to God, and then, in the same breath, names Him twice: my strength, and my redeemer.

Those two names are not decoration. A man about to speak and afraid of how it will land needs strength, and a man afraid he has no business speaking needs a redeemer, and David puts both in the sentence.

You are somebody whose words are acceptable in His sight, and He is your strength and your redeemer while you say them, and that is not encouragement for a man on a hill, it is what is written, and the Holy Spirit is the reason it is landing on volume twenty-two rather than on a verse you may well have heard read out.

Now let me say something about two years ago.

You tried it with the radio off, got four words in, and reached over and turned it on.

You have already done the hard part four words deep. That is not a failure. That is a man who found out exactly where the edge is, which most people never do, and which cost him something, and which he has never told anybody. Scripture has David ask that the words of his mouth be acceptable in God's sight, and the Holy Spirit was in that cab for all four of yours.

And here is what I want to say about that half second you have been avoiding.

You have been afraid of what your own ears would report. But your ears are not the ones assessing this. Scripture puts the acceptability of the words in God's sight, which is a different court entirely, and the verdict there was settled long before you drove up that hill.

You are not going to hear a verdict, because it is not being handed down in that cab. The word says acceptable in His sight, and the Spirit of God has been with you on that stretch of road twice a month for four years, and He has heard every one of them at whatever volume.

You are somebody whose words are acceptable in His sight, and He is your strength and your redeemer while you say them. Scripture hands the whole question of how they land to God rather than to the cab, and the Holy Spirit has been on that hill with you twice a month for four years.